The Guilt-Trip

01 July 2018

Cancelling appointments is something awful to do. You would’ve think I’d be better at it, but no. I feel so tremendously guilty. Sometimes I force myself to appointments/party’s/birthdays, because I want to go so badly and I don’t want to cancel again, but often at the expense of myself. And sometimes because it’s hard to explain that two days later you’re on another birthday or drinking coffee somewhere when you cancelled the other birthday. Yesss I know, I don’t owe anybody an explanation, but that’s not how my head works. I know I don’t owe nobody nothing, but that doesn’t mean I find it hard. I struggle with the fact that I can’t go, that I have to cancel again. It bothers me so much. Because I want to lead a normal life. It would be freakin’ lovely if I had the energy of a normal 33-year old and just do my shit as I want it to do. I don’t have the time and I don’t want to compromise. I really aint got time for that shit. Says my head with her big mouth and my body just stands there with a smartass look on her face like you know this isn’t going to help you right? So I try to calm myself down and realise it has no use or whatsoever to push through, for now. *Rolls eyes out loud*! This was my little childish tantrum.

You don’t want to continuesly whine about being sick. There is a life besides being sick. You know this, but you don’t. You know it’s something you know from years back, but it feels like a fossile memory in your head. It’s something from back in the days. It feels like centuries ago that I could do my own thing like I wanted to. When I just got on my bike and didn’t have to worry about if I felt strong enough to go or that I had to think about my other appointments I had that day. My life at home goes on as well. It’s not that a night out just makes me feel a little more tired for a couple of days. No I can be recovering for 1 week or maybe even 2 weeks meanwhile my life at home continues. So I have to choose. Choose what is more important at that moment. Doing something “big” like a night out can almost feel like a punishment, because afterwards you physically pay the price. And it’s sweet that everybody wants to support me en tell me that it can be worth it, but I doubt they feel the same way when they get punished everytime they did something fun. That might seem very negative and it is, but in reality physically it feels this way and unfortunately in my head too. I’ve become pretty good at selfreflection. Or at least I think I am… You come across yourself in such a big way when you’re “locked up” in your body and home too. So more than enough time for selfreflection. Still so funny to me how you always seem to know how you’re supposed to do everything, but then end up doing something else.

It feels like I’ve become the afternoon-friend. The one you’ll have lunch with and have coffee with and that’s about it. Sometimes it feels like you don’t fit in life anymore. Or at least not as it used to be. Ofcourse we all get older, have kids or getting kids, buying houses, getting married and who knows what, so changes are inevitable, but I feel like people sometimes want to think for me. They automatically assume I can’t or won’t go, because I probably won’t handle it physically. Often that is the case, but it still would be nice if you’re being asked. And that.. that would be the ‘ultimate offended’ woman in me. I get that people around me don’t know what to do or say. They couldn’t know, because I don’t even know. I feel like such an overly frustrated person. I can’t handle. And don’t get me wrong, because I don’t blame anyone and that’s not what I am trying to say here. But the feeling that you’re not fully included in society and life is real and it’s quite a shitty feeling.

The guilt towards my son is big…, huge ! I want to be the best mom for him I can be. Every mom wants to be, but often I can’t do stuff with him because I already did some things I had to do which makes me so tired I have to say no to him. Luckily I have a son whom can keep him self busy, but I would love to be a little bit more active with him. I know I don’t have to keep him busy 24/7 and I’m not even that sort of a mom. I just wish I had more energy physically and mentally, because at some point you get mentally exhausted too. That’s what I hate the most I think. I wish we could do more things together instead of our “trips” include going to the grocery store. Thank god he thinks that’s fun most of the time. When my beloved son likes doing groceries when he grows up (just like me) it will probably has something to do with this. We do do nice things every once in a while, but I feel I can do better and it still feels like failing. I maybe should try to find some more rest in what I cán do with him. You know what bothers me more and more everytime? When people say: “you are not your illness, Alcin.” I get it, but they don’t get that in the proces of “accepting” and learning to live with your illness you lose yourself. Piece by piece you lose little parts of yourself. Or that’s how I experience it. Meanwhile I’m searching for these fucking pieces. When I can’t be myself and do the things like I want them to do I won’t feel like myself and I feel lived by my illness. It’s keeping me busy and I’m recovering for years now from the “attacks” on my body or recovering from medicine who are suppose to help me but they screw up other things in my body. Your almost listening to your body 24/7 so with all due respect don’t tell me I am not my illness. I know I’m not, but the feeling is different from what I know. It’s like being in love with the baddest person. In my mind I know it’s wrong or in this case that I shouldn’t be doing something physically, but my heart says go for it. Meanwhile I’m trying to see the “accepting-proces” as a caterpillar who turns into a cocoon and then into a butterfly, but the cocoon is really starting to freakin’ piss me off.