Carpe damn
07 January 2019
Everybody wants to be good at something or feel useful. I know I do. I think I’ve been good at being sick the last few years. Like that’s all I had to focus on. That’s what I did. It was my ‘job’ to get better. As someone on Instagram said: ‘I feel like a teenager, figuring myself and life out again’. Even though I’m still recovering, the future feels like a clean slate. A blanc canvas and I’m the painter. I just don’t know how to paint anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I ever knew how to paint at all, but this clean slate feeling is freeing as it is frightening.
When someone asks me what I want to do when I can work again, I shut down. Like, I don’t know. You come up with something. I had a good job as a supervisor at H&M, but I had to stop when I was sick for 2 years in a row. I got two certificates when I worked there. One for department manager and the other one was for store manager. But what can I do with that right now? I mean I know what I can do with them, but is it what I want? What can I physically handle? What do I LIKE to do? I’m a person who needs answers. In my head there must be a solution for everything. Sick? Take a pill. Feeling unhealthy? Eat right. In love? Run!
When I can’t figure out a simple thing, like what I want to do and work for it, I get frustrated. I’m a perfectionist so that’s probably not going to help me with this either. I need to remind myself that failing is not necessarily a bad thing. I don’t need to do everything right.. at once. Like a lot of people say: enjoy the ride towards it. I’m a ‘I need to achieve that now, please’ kind of person. The level of difficulty is real. Being aware is a start though.
And you know what else? I want to do a lot of new things, get out of my comfort zone then rest (you know I need that shit), live life to the fullest and then rest, grow again and rest, do other new things, rest, and do it all over again. But when I feel like I’m just ready to jump in that pool of new things I suddenly realise that I probably can’t do it or I wonder if my body can handle it or maybe I should think things through. I chicken out. I don’t know if it’s anxiety or my character thing. I think a mix of both. How do you not think all the time or analyse everything? For someone with adhd/add it’s a daily struggle, but doable I guess. Maybe it’s time to be a little bit nicer for me and my body. Somethings just are the way they are and for somethings I just need to man the fuck up and go!
That being said, I will try to find a balance in trying new things and letting things work out for themselves. That is possible right? Some of my plans to work on are: upgrading my blog and find a way to reach more people, start volunteer work at different places, find something new to do or learn, even if it’s for a short time that’s ok ( maybe watch YouTube video’s/tutorials) and have more random conversations with people I don’t know (inspiration/knowledge), enjoy life more.
I really appreciate you reading all of my random thoughts and you know I love to hear what you think.
Love, Alcin