don't believe everything you think
08.05.2021
Guess who’s back? Back again..? The monthly witch who doesn’t believe in herself is back.
Man if this isn’t a shitty cocktail of hormones and old believes than I don’t know what is.
So what have I been doing since the last blog. Well not that much:
- I'm on and off taking cbd oil drops, so not consistent, so I can’t really say if it helps or not.
- I had contact with my doctor; talked about my complaints and he said this sounds like PMDD. Not sure if I’m really diagnosed at this point 😅.
- I try to go a more in nature (the park, het bolwerk)
I feel dumb for this being the only things I’ve been doing and not doing more things to see what helps, because there’s a reason I started this blog and more important I want to know what makes me feel better. Mind you I’m still in a phase where I’m not really in a good place while writing this. Talk nicer to myself is on the to-do list and I’m trying. Another thought pops up while writing this: am I even willing to do the work? Trying to read about it, but I’m overwhelmed and don’t want to do it. It’s so easy to stay in this shit show of comfort especially when I feel like this and my mind keeps bringing me down.
About the part where I had contact with the doctor. He also indicated that there are medicines I could take if I wanted to. That I could read up on it and let him know if I wanted to. Despite the fact that I can feel like shit for days on end, this is not what I want. I’m on medications for my lupus and I don’t want to put anymore stuff in my body that can do harm as well. When I asked him if there were other ways of making it as bearable as possible for myself, he said that exercise/sports and healthy eating were very important things to look at. Of course, I already knew this myself.
So I originally wanted to share something that happened earlier this week due to this pms/pmdd stuff to let you in on how some moments can go, but I decided not to because it’s so extremely personal and it’s not something I am proud of, ashamed even. Maybe next time I write my blog I will share this. What I can tell is that this time the feelings of depression were here again. I just wanted to lay in bed and do nothing. The constant feeling of guilt, feeling unworthy, not good enough, thoughts like: see this is why no one wants you' popping up during the day. It’s hard when I feel like this for myself, but especially for my son. I try to explain this to him and I hope he gets it, but I’m worried this has an effect on him too. I’m on my period now so I know this sadness goes away soon, luckily. But it’s some heavy shit.
And something else that’s keeping me busy and which feels like a real setback is that I don’t know if I can keep my webshop for now. It has something to do with the UWV and my former employer. Not sure how to fix it right now and if it’s fixable for now. So I'm not sure, but I might have to shut down for a while. I’ll keep you posted.
So this is a factor too besides the hormones and old patterns and believes which make me feel numb and shitty for the last few days.
When I post this I feel like a dysfunctional, damaged person and I think that everyone will see me this way too. So it's scary to do so. I dont know if it's strength, I don't know if it's raising awareness or maybe it's about not knowing who to talk to about this without people trying to give you all the solutions they can think of. Maybe it's all three of them.
I do know that what I need is someone to sit with me during these periode. Not physically, but listen to me when I want to talk, really hear me out, no judgement, no sollutions, just hear me and check in with me.
That’s what I wanted to share for now. Have a good weekend.
Love, Cin