The pms life
13 March 2021
or is it the PMDD life?
this is an idea I've been having for months: writing about what's going on in my head the period before my period starts. As I said I have had this idea for months and it keeps coming back just like my period hahaha, the irony. And if I am learning 1 thing more it is to listen to my feelings and thus my feeling to share this. Once I post this online in a moment, I can't go back and it's real. Really real... I hope by sharing my story I can support other women, give them a helping hand and I hope for some recognition, that might make it a bit more bearable for me as well.
PMDD. What?? I did not know that this existed. PMS I know, I have been talking about it for a few months now when it is time of the month, that I suffer from PMS. I'm no doctor and google doesn't know everything either, but when I see, hear read and add up certain things this looks very familiar to me. Before I go any further, let me give a brief description of PMS and PMDD..., googled.
PMS stands for Premenstrual Syndrome. In it, symptoms of both psychological and physical nature occur during the luteal phase (the uterus gets ready during this phase) of almost every cycle. These symptoms disappear at the onset of menstruation, followed by a symptom-free period of at least 1 week. Some of the physical and emotional symptoms that occur one or two weeks before menstruation are headaches, backaches, pimples, sore breasts, joint pain and mood swings. These are some of the most important signs.
PMDD
PMDD stands for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder and is a more severe form of PMS. The symptoms can be especially severe emotionally. About five percent of women suffer from PMDD. They also experience both physical and mental symptoms, only the emotional symptoms have the upper hand. These include severe depressive feelings up to daily rages.
I am now in my luteal phase. How do I know? Because for the past 3 days I've been feeling tremendously bad about myself. Today is thankfully a slightly better day. There is so much going on in me and at the same time so little. It is chaos, a bizarre storm. I felt intense sadness, an enormously low energy level, not being happy or joyful about anything, distancing myself from people around me, getting angry about nothing, my 'old' beliefs surfacing twice as hard, feeling numb and above all very lonely. It is frightening sometimes.
Alone in my own hell in my head. I find it hard to write this down. These are not my best qualities, they are my worst. These are not things you like to talk about. Sometimes I try to write down what's going on inside me, sometimes in the form of poems. Poems that are hard to read back. I have so much to be grateful for and fortunately I am grateful for most of the time, but a few days in this phase and everything is undone. Then for a while I don't recognize myself anymore. Am I the only one on this planet who has this?
I have no partner who can support me and I don't really talk about it with the people around me. I think because I can't put into words what is going on inside me, but also because it is easily overlooked in a conversation, too quickly in my opinion. Maybe also because it is difficult to understand? I don't know. But sometimes I just want to be heard. Sometimes I just need someone to listen to me and ask what I need. Even if I don't know myself.
Then there is also the feeling of powerlessness. Especially towards my 9 year old son who is around me when I feel like this. I would like to say that he doesn't get anything from it, but that is not true and that brings a sense of guilt with it. Of course he is allowed to see me when I am sad, because that is also part of life. Sometimes I try to explain a little that I am suffering from hormones in the hope that it will give some clarity for him. But can I expect that from him? Maybe the explanation is for my own peace of mind?
And for those of you who think 'Surely we all suffer from these mood swings every month.' I'm really not talking about mood swings. This is a lot more intense and maybe I can't really put it into words right now, but don't downplay it. I recognize a lot in the things I've read about PMDD so far and I wonder if this is part of my period.
Maybe I've been watching too much The Bold Type, but I'm going to do some research and I want to share my findings with you. From diagrams and names like luteal phase, to what role nutrition plays. I'm also going to start keeping a journal again with a few keywords each day of how I feel during a month. The good, the bad and the regular days and I will do this over the next 4-5 months to figure out when it's best to plan things and when it's better to have a little more peace and quiet. I've already found out for example that the days after my period I'm really on fire with ideas, getting things done, creativity and I feel really good and during my ovulation you'd better leave me alone so to speak. Have you paid attention to how you are during your month?
And planning a visit to the doctor...see what he has to say about this.
Love, Cin