Lost cause
24 November 2019
Purpose.less (adjective, adverb):
1. without a concrete purpose
2. useless.
That's how I've been feeling the last few weeks and I hate it. It annoys me so much. I'm doing a lot better physically than I did a year ago. I can't complain about that. I started working out since May this year which is a real big improvement and I am very happy with it. I've started making cards, drawings and now also garlands which I've always had a lot of fun doing. But now the last few weeks not so much.It's not that I don't want to continue, because I'm not where I wanted to be yet, but because now it almost appalls me. Is that passion gone already? How does it happen every time?
No purpose, no meaning. I take care of my son, workout and that's it. That's my life and I don't think it's enough. It doesn't feel good to have nothing you want to work for, something which makes you apart from being a mom also someone else: Alcinda. Who is Alcinda, what does she like, what makes her happy and what does she need? Not the slightest idea. Since my last conversations with a psychologist I find out so many things about myself, I get to know myself and it's nice and a relief, but it also brings restlessness, sadness and a certain emptiness. The psychologist asked me if I would like to go and ask myself what I needed in the coming weeks. I did not know. Istill don't know.
When my son loses an eyelash, he always blows it away and makes a wish. I don't know what he wishes, because you can't say that of course, but it's without a doubt something nice. But when I lose an eyelash I have no idea what I wish for, what I want. What do I want most, what would make me happiest? I have no idea. That's frustrating. It is often said that I am too hard on myself and that I would rather be nicer to myself and take better care of myself that way. I'd just love to have a purpose. Something that belongs to me, that I really love to do and build on and make it my own. How do you do that? How do you find something like that? I've become a boring person who sits at home all the time with no purpose.
No purpose, no meaning. I take care of my son, workout and that's it. That's my life and I don't think it's enough. It doesn't feel good to have nothing you want to work for, something which makes you apart from being a mom also someone else: Alcinda. Who is Alcinda, what does she like, what makes her happy and what does she need? Not the slightest idea. Since my last conversations with a psychologist I find out so many things about myself, I get to know myself and it's nice and a relief, but it also brings restlessness, sadness and a certain emptiness. The psychologist asked me if I would like to go and ask myself what I needed in the coming weeks. I did not know. Istill don't know.
When my son loses an eyelash, he always blows it away and makes a wish. I don't know what he wishes, because you can't say that of course, but it's without a doubt something nice. But when I lose an eyelash I have no idea what I wish for, what I want. What do I want most, what would make me happiest? I have no idea. That's frustrating. It is often said that I am too hard on myself and that I would rather be nicer to myself and take better care of myself that way. I'd just love to have a purpose. Something that belongs to me, that I really love to do and build on and make it my own. How do you do that? How do you find something like that? I've become a boring person who sits at home all the time with no purpose.
Love, Alcin