BUT I honestly have to say that that 'high' from new year doesn't last that long. I've been waiting for at least three years that the new year would be my year. This would be the year I will feel better, the year I can work for myself not only on myself, the year I can live... It's been a disappointment so far. Since yesterday I've been feeling a sharp pain in my lungs that strongly reminds me of the pain I had the two times my lungs were inflamed. In my head I'm like: fuck this fucking shit !! I can deal with the panic attacks (I think), but please, please let me stay in remission.
The last few weeks I do realise that somethings I can change. My illness is here, can't change that. My attitude, I can. And I need to tell myself that changing my attitude doesn't mean I can't cry, be mad of frustrated at times, because that will always be. It's part of it, but I need to find my way. My way to live. My way to do things I want to do. I don't know if this year will be my year, but I will work for it. I will set goals and do my best to reach them. I will build a physical condition again. I will live with or without these panic/anxiety. I even thought about doing more for people with Lupus (chronically ill) in the Netherlands. Who knows.. I will make it my year.
Disappointments will always be there, but so will a new day, a new chance. I need to remind myself of this. I'm a real 'I feel everything so deep' person. I'm a thinker too and they both make it hard sometimes to deal with my mind. I get overwhelmed easily. I need to take better care of myself so I can enjoy more. It's easy to write this down, but I need to walk the walk too.
So you guys, I'll probably be overwhelmed by feelings at 12 o'clock and cry, because that's what I do hahaha. I hope you will have a great day and evening and may the 12 o'clock magic 'hit' you hard. Oh and stay safe ♡.
Love, Alcin