The comfort zone called panic

21 December 2018

Panic attacks. Your own mind driving you crazy. I did not know it was something so extreem. You know when you experience it for yourself right? Well damn.. I’m experiencing it allright. And the problem is, I thought for a long long time it was, because of my lupus I was feeling like I felt, but no. Panick makes you feel physically like shit too. And the funny thing is, I KNOW THIS! As in I know this for a fact, but it, apparently took me months to figure it out for myself...

What I feel is that my muscles are in a constant tense state (I don’t know if I say this correct). Continuously during the day. All of a sudden I feel that my muscles in my neck and shoulders are so tensed/tightened and I need to relax my muscles. I do this all day long, because when I relax my muscles I feel them tensed a couple minutes later. Or that hours before I need to go to an appointment I get palpitations or when I get up in the morning with a headache like a hurricane. Days before I have an appointment I want to call it off, because I think I probably won’t feel better by then. That I’m standing at my kitchen counter feeling dizzy like I’m about to faint and I’m thinking I can’t go outside feeling like this. What If I faint while I’m riding my bike or while I am in the grocery store? Who’s going to take care of my son? That the taxi brings him home after school and I’m not there. It would break his heart. He might think I left him. Shall I give the (taxi)chauffeur my moms number in case somethings wrong? This is what happens. This is what’s going on inside my head and it’s just the tip of the iceberg. Before I know it I created whole scenario’s in my head. Not ok!

The bizarre thing is you don’t know you’re in it. At least I didn’t knew. I was used to the fact that i always had physical problems, they did some tests which showed something was wrong, then I got some new medicine or they would increase the dose of medicine I already took and that’s how it was handled. That explained it for me, that was comforting. I was used to not trusting my body. Like, there was always something wrong. Every little pain was real. At some point you download some apps for meditation, sudoku or mah-jong to keep your mind busy. To not have to think about everything, to focus on other things, to keep my mind at ease. I feel like people think this is some lightswitch you can easily switch on and off, but it doesn’t work that way. And I think especially with the ADD it’s an extra disadvantage when you’re already so up in your own head. I don’t know if this makes any sense too you, but this is the only way I know how to explain right now. Eventually, after a talk with my psychologist, it was clear that I had panick attacks. My mind causing all this trouble. Bizarre.

Since 2011 I’ve been having flares/attacks on my body and the last three years has been the worst. I always kept pushing through, because I had too. As I’ve said before, I don’t know how not to keep going. It seems like all the trauma from these years is coming out. It feels like it. My brain brainwashed itself to think I can’t do anything, that I’m really physically sick. Some sort of defence mechanism. I need to take matters into my own hands again and change my way of thinking. I need to do more. I need to be more active. Try to think less ahead as possible. It feels so unnatural, but I need to convince my brain that it’s ok, that everything will be fine. I’m used to keep dwell on the past. Negative things, that is what I know. Now I have to reinvent this and turn it around and that feels like trying to write with your left hand when your righthanded.

It’s hard too separate the real complaints from the ones my head makes. The complaints feel the same as the ones I had from lupus. Fatigue, palpitations, dizziness. What’s panic and what is because of the lupus? How do I know if I’m pushing way to hard or if I need to push some more in order to feel better, to live a little more? I think it’s a real challenging process..

Chronically ill people often say: “I’m not seeking for attention or pity.” I’ve said that enough times as well and it is true, but now… I want to get attention. Attention for the chronically ill and the ones who struggle with their mental health. Again I find this really scary to talk about, because I feel damaged. I’m scared people will see me like that. A damaged girl. Well woman… sometimes I think I’m still 25, but I don’t think I’m the only one. I’m telling myself I still am who I am. I’m still Alcinda. Plus we are all damaged at some point. Broken crayons still colour.

Thank you so much for reading my blog again. It really means a lot. Feel free to let me know what you think :).

Love, Alcin